Unpluggin'...

    It's very strange... I finally decided to take most social media off of my phone. I took the Facebook, Pinterest, and Instagram apps off of there and decided that the best thing to do is to only visit these sites when I'm sitting at my desk. It has only been two days and it has been... an adjustment, to say the least.

     First thing I would do upon waking up was not going to the bathroom to relieve myself. It wasn't a strong urge to roll over and go back to sleep. It was to pick up my phone, check my Facebook and scroll through countless posts and watch an insane amount of videos or "reels" as they are called on there. Then, the Mrs. and I would be sitting in the living room. What do we do? We have our faces either in our phones or the TV.

    I used to complain about how phones and texting has taken the human element out of communication and it has, but why complain if I'm not gonna be the change I want to see? For a while I stopped complaining about it. and kept doing the "same ole, same ole". I found myself overwhelmed and bombarded by stimuli. everything at your fingertips all the time. All the info about anything and anyone, misinformation, and fake news, all at a couple of taps on your phone.

    I believed that so much coming at me was a major cause of stress, anxiety and depression. It seems I was comparing myself to others. What a shit way to spend your time right? But everyone is doing so much better than me. That is what pictures tell you, accompanied with people talking about how great things are. It could make one envious. Deep down I probably was but I felt that exploring that avenue would be negative and disruptive to my already disrupted mind. 

    Things aren't always what they seem. and even if they are, spending time being envious of someone's success is just a dick move. be happy they figured their life out in the present moment and walk your own pat. Comparison to others is an enemy. Don't let it in but, push it away along with social media. Limit the use of it so severely that you only see those screens once, at the most twice a day. It has been two days and I catch myself picking up my phone and fiddling with it but I refuse to put Facebook, Instagram, or Pinterest back on my phone. I'm even thinking about taking my email off of there and doing the same with it.

    Youtube can be a great tool but thanks to all the ads I don't use it much. I've started reading more but I need to lean away from the news. at least all the negative stuff. seems to be all you see anymore and that is depressing and causes anxiety. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you should be informed. That's a stupid idea. Just make sure you aren't getting caught up in bull shit and fake news.

    Unpluggin' from technology has always had a calming and de-escalating effect. I would see it and feel every time I would go to the woods. Not even music going.Wish I would have paid attention to these clues years ago, but as I like to say, better late than never. Unplug from the bullshit called social media and technology every now and again and really enjoy life. Your presence is appreciated more than you will ever know.

Mental Health

    The mental health of us humans is important. They say, "you are never alone," but saying that really never helps. It never really makes you feel like you're not alone. Being alone is something a lot of us can't handle well. Back in the day, when I was a teen, I embraced being alone excluding my mom, sister and my awesome circle of friends. No one could hurt you, make you feel less than what you already do, belittle you, and the biggest one of all, you don't feel even worse still because there aren't many folks around to tell you or act like they don't care about how you feel. Let's face it, we humans don't care how others feel and we get upset when no one cares about how we feel. It's a circle.

    That is an example of the thoughts that used to run through my head. I'm not going to lie; it still does from time to time. One gets in their own way by talking ill about themselves. From my experiences, and the time I have spent trying to figure myself out, negative self-talk is one of many ways that one gets in their own way. I've missed out on some opportunities because I put myself down so much. All that time, wasted because of other people's shitty and fucked up construed perceptions and judgments. All that time wasted because I let the opinions of others stop me.

    It blows my mind how far the importance of the mental health of a person has come, especially for men. I've had my troubles with depression and anxiety since the age of 13. I've had my own battles with drugs and alcohol. I've hung out with the wrong people to have a sense of belonging. I've also worked as a direct care worker in behavioral/mental health for 13 years. During all this time I have learned and watched the world change its view of mental health for all and for men. Used to, men had to bury everything deep down so they wouldn't be ridiculed for being soft, a crybaby, a bitch, told to be a man, etc etc.

    Now, it is rather accepted that men too need mental help sometimes. Example, the men that fought in World War I that had shell-shock. Those men were treated horribly because they were seen as weak. Never mind what blasts from constant shelling can do to the mind, body and soul to a person. There is still a way to go but I'm seeing more and more that people are accepting that men face challenges they can't handle by themselves.

     There is a problem that some men, such as me, still face: letting those trying to help in. Why do we not let others in? I can't answer for others but, for me, conversations don't help. I don't blame others for this because I don't let others in. I pretend to be okay, a lot, around everyone I know and see. I don't want them asking me, "what's wrong?" and I don't want to bring them down because that is more important than how I feel. Read that sentence again. I'll wait. Furthermore, there aren't very many people I trust to let in so deep. Like Jelly Roll said, "I guess rock bottom is where I'm comfortable".

    People's actions really give away how they are feeling. Example, when I'm feeling sad or in deep sorrow for whatever reason, I listen to the band Opeth. They are very nostalgic for me, and it helps me feel a little better. It causes me to face what has me in a state of sorrow. Or I'll listen to Buckethead if I don't want song lyrics to make me feel things. Songs like "Creature" by Jelly Roll I avoid Like he is the mother fucking plague. I relate to the lyrics way too much. So much so that it makes me cry. I can't even so much as hear it or even read the words.

    I leave with this: If you have a friend that is silent about how they feel most of the time, when they try to open up, encourage that person. Show them that it is okay to feel how they feel and that you will actively listen by not saying a word and acknowledging what is being said to you. Avoid giving unsolicited advice. It can make your friend feel worse. Sometimes the best thing you can do is listen and not get defensive about things.

Presently...

     Life is... peculiar. Life takes you places, shapes you, puts you in places you don't want to be, shapes you some more. "What is the purpose of this?" one may ask. "What is MY purpose?" one may ask. No one has the answer to these questions. These questions; you have to acquire the answer by living life. On the flip side, living life doesn't guarantee the answers.

    It has been nearly 3 years since I last wrote. I was destroyed in my BJJ competition. I learned so much about myself, my skill, what I did wrong and saw some of the best sportsmanship I've ever seen. I wasn't depressed or down that I didn't do well because I had so much fun. It was like a training session to me. I'm not big on being competitive in my older age I guess. I'm a blue belt now and I haven't trained much over the last year and a half.

    I am however still training in Taekwondo. I am a brown belt soon to be tested for red belt. I am also learning to be an instructor. It's crazy because I hate making mistakes but I enjoy making them in this setting. This is because I'm doing something I want to do. One is more apt to learn if they love what they are doing. Instead of apologizing for messing up. I do plan to return to BJJ because it puts me in my place ego wise, and really helps my depression, and I need that.

    Speaking of being an instructor, I am a Therapeutic Crisis Intervention instructor at work now. Yay... do you sense the excitement? It's just not something I want to do in this setting. I thought I did but it turns out I'm not a fan. I don't like a classroom like style of teaching and it's just not a way I want to become more involved in work. I am trying to earn a Recreational Therapist position if one becomes open though. 

    I had worked to become a second level Mental Health Tech at work. Part of that was doing Rec Therapy groups and notes and I enjoyed what I was doing. All this time I hated the idea of being any kind of therapist and now I want to become one because I found I enjoy talking to folks and helping with bettering themselves.

    This is the start of what I call "Big Dick Energy". BDE is when you make the moves you have to in order to become a better version of yourself in all aspects of your life. You look, sound, and move as a confident person. Even the ladies or boss babes can have Big Dick Energy. You make good money and seek to make more by accepting more responsibility, you do well in your relationships and you do what you have to make sure your family is taken care of. That's number one.

    Two of my brothers from another mother have been displaying BDE for a long time now. One is about to move and be a District Manager. The other is a Programmer Supervisor and a Team Leader. The coolest thing about it is that they never lost their kindness. In fact they've become more generous. One of the hardest things for me to accept is generosity. I'm not used to that or getting help when I need it. It comes when it comes and I have to be thankful and not take it for granted.

    Getting back to the point of BDE, All I've ever wanted to do is to take care of my family. Like when I quit smoking, I looked at the things they did. One chose his field. The other didn't. They both went through some bullshit they didn't like and now look at them. Doing well and taking care of their families. Big Dick Energy...

    I don't believe I'm going to keep up with being a TCI instructor. I have to do it for now. But I want to make the Rec Therapist thing happen and maybe even become a Mental Health Therapist. I'm going to become an Modern Martial Arts instructor (not Mixed Martial arts). And even if these things don't come to pass, I am going to start displaying Big Dick Energy now too. My family, the future students that learn from me, the coworkers present and future; If they are going to learn from me, then I have to have Big Dick Energy.

The Battle for Change Revisited...

I've made changes in life. After 5 years I finally did it. I am a novice martial artist now. Have a year of BJJ training and 6 months of training in Taekwondo. The biggest and my favorite change; on the 5th of November I will not have had a cigarette for 2 years! I can't believe that I don't smoke anymore. It's a wonderful feeling. By far the hardest thing I've ever done. I do not intend to go back to it. Under NO circumstances. I am a non-smoker...

My second vice... Soda. I am down to one or two a week. This happened because I am tired of drinking so much of it and I am training for a BJJ competition. I don't want anything to get in my way of competing. I don't care if I lose. I have to be my best and give my best. I think I am going to do well in both the gi and no gi divisions. So long as I keep training and push hard to be better.

The third vice... being balls deep in my phone. I have still yet to beat this one. I am getting more and more used to the idea without it. The excuse is that it helps boredom. Well, if I would engage with people, boredom will be taken care of then too right? It may also help things in the marriage. I don't know how much trouble I'm in because of it but it's going to stop. 

This week I am going to be more present. Not because I told my wife that I wanted to go to see a fight with my friends. But because that is what a husband should do. As long as I keep trying to be better than I was the day before, I'll never fail. The battle for change is never ending. To make changes and grow you must become comfortable being uncomfortable.

Fuck the pain... keep going...

Depression

    It is that time again. That time when depression comes out of nowhere and seems to affect every aspect of my being. The day starts out normal and then BAM! I bottom out. 

    That's the shit thing about depression: it can have a reason or it doesn't have one at all. Most of the time it doesn't have a reason. It's bad that I feel like I don't have someone to vent to and get things out of my head so I can feel a little better. 

    Music therapy (playing my guitar) helps some. Playing takes the edge off but I still feel down. I do get to jam today and I'm looking forward to that. Perhaps my buddy's brand of weird will be refreshing. Being in the gym helps but sadly I still smoke for the time being so I can't afford it. It cost just as much as my cigs do. 

    So on December 16th when I make my next attempt, when I get paid after that day I'm getting a gym membership so I can combat depression. Seems to be the only thing that works that doesn't just suppress it or make me numb to it. I hate medication. To me it doesn't seem to work. Smoking pot worked really well also but because of my work, I can't use that either. I really don't know if I'm right for this field but that's for a different blog. 

    I often wonder when I'll ever escape the grasp of depression. Will I ever be able to just stay up? Will there be a time in my life that I won't have to struggle for things? Will I ever do the things I want to do? Everyone tells you only time will tell. But will it really? But the real question is, what am I going to do about it? No reason to complain about something without a solution. Too late for that in this case however, it's not too late to look for a solution.

Switching it up.

    I've come to a crossroads in life recently. Do I stay where I am with no hope of moving up? Do I go to one of two places in the same field to try to advance my career? Or do I change fields altogether? What I do know is that I don't want to stay where I am forever. I'll keep my reasons to myself for my own protection.

    I do wonder a lot, how can you treat people like crap and expect them to give 100%? I've always been under the impression that if you take care of those below you in the workplace they will take care of you. How do you get a position, hear that you are being watched and expected to fuck up so they can make you step down months before it happens?

    Sounds to me like it was a sexist/racial thing with how things have played out. You don't want a person for a position then why hire them in the first fuckin place? It doesn't Make sense. Perhaps, if I go somewhere else I could get some supervisor experience and be given the tools I need with some coaching so I am able to grow in a supervisor/manager type role.

    Enough of that though. At the other place that I feel rather interested in, I can only go so far without a master's degree. I don't have any hope of getting a master's in either of the 2 degrees they require.  Reason 1, I am balls deep in debt. Reason 2, I have no urge to get a degree in behavioral science. Reason 3, I have no urge to get a degree in nursing.

    It seems that everywhere I turn there is a block that would stop me. Hell, I don't even know if I would like the job. The worst part about it all, I feel like I have no one to talk to about how I feel about this shit. No one to just listen. I have people all around me and no one to just listen. Hence me venting on a blog...

    I suppose I have to do as I've always done and think deeply on it to figure it out myself. It gets tiresome figuring out shit on my own all the time; always being looked at to make the decision. Except at work, I'm not really looked at at all unless a shift is in need of being covered. But no one gives a shit about that. Well, back to the jumbled mess that is my mind trying to make sense of it all. At least I'm not alone in having a jumbled mess of a mind?

The Battle for Change

    I feel like it's time to start a new chapter in my life. I have 3 vices. Use of my phone or overuse is more like it, drinking way too much soda, and smoking cigarettes. I want to change myself for the better but change is never easy. I'm always looking for the right time to quit smoking and drinking soda. I know, without a doubt, the right time is when you make it. Stopping the overuse of my cell would make the human element of my life better as well as my marriage though my marriage isn't in danger...yet.

    Smoking cigs was probably the dumbest thing I've ever started doing. Why would an asthmatic start doing something that makes it harder for them to breathe? I have no clue myself. However, if I want to start running I have to make myself quit. I've riddled my mind with questions like: how do I stop? What is the best way to stop? What should I do when I'm bored? What can I do when I'm stressed out instead of smoking? The best answer is just stop doing it and re-learn how to live without them. My friend and brother for 20+ years did. If he can do it, so can I. I have to be like him and put my mind to it.

    When thinking of quitting the consumption of soda I think, I really need to not drink it so much. It's bad for my teeth. There are other health risks of course like making your blood thicker and others but my problem is that the taste is so good. That and it's kind of addicting. However, if I just limit myself to just one a day I think it would make all the difference in my life. But it is so good. The good thing about quitting soda is that it is easier to put down than cigs. I think I'll start the "one a day" thing tomorrow.

    The overuse of my cell phone. This just needs to happen. I should be using it as a tool, not as a means of entertainment. Everything in my marriage is good and great as we speak but if I keep my nose buried in it all the time eventually it's going to cause problems between her and I. That won't be good at all. If I am to lose my wife it's going to be for a better reason then never putting my phone down. That would just be sad and pathetic. So starting tonight after I get off work, unless she wants me to play a game with her, my phone doesn't get touched. I refuse to lose her to spending the time on my phone when I should be spending with her.

    After this pack I am on I am going to lay the cigs down no matter how bad I want one I will not bum one or buy any. This is going to be harder than completing college and that was a bitch. Seems like nothing comes easy to me. But, I guess that is a part of my life. To overcome the hard and have a hard time understanding the easy. We shall see how this transformation goes...failure is no longer an option.