Presently...

     Life is... peculiar. Life takes you places, shapes you, puts you in places you don't want to be, shapes you some more. "What is the purpose of this?" one may ask. "What is MY purpose?" one may ask. No one has the answer to these questions. These questions; you have to acquire the answer by living life. On the flip side, living life doesn't guarantee the answers.

    It has been nearly 3 years since I last wrote. I was destroyed in my BJJ competition. I learned so much about myself, my skill, what I did wrong and saw some of the best sportsmanship I've ever seen. I wasn't depressed or down that I didn't do well because I had so much fun. It was like a training session to me. I'm not big on being competitive in my older age I guess. I'm a blue belt now and I haven't trained much over the last year and a half.

    I am however still training in Taekwondo. I am a brown belt soon to be tested for red belt. I am also learning to be an instructor. It's crazy because I hate making mistakes but I enjoy making them in this setting. This is because I'm doing something I want to do. One is more apt to learn if they love what they are doing. Instead of apologizing for messing up. I do plan to return to BJJ because it puts me in my place ego wise, and really helps my depression, and I need that.

    Speaking of being an instructor, I am a Therapeutic Crisis Intervention instructor at work now. Yay... do you sense the excitement? It's just not something I want to do in this setting. I thought I did but it turns out I'm not a fan. I don't like a classroom like style of teaching and it's just not a way I want to become more involved in work. I am trying to earn a Recreational Therapist position if one becomes open though. 

    I had worked to become a second level Mental Health Tech at work. Part of that was doing Rec Therapy groups and notes and I enjoyed what I was doing. All this time I hated the idea of being any kind of therapist and now I want to become one because I found I enjoy talking to folks and helping with bettering themselves.

    This is the start of what I call "Big Dick Energy". BDE is when you make the moves you have to in order to become a better version of yourself in all aspects of your life. You look, sound, and move as a confident person. Even the ladies or boss babes can have Big Dick Energy. You make good money and seek to make more by accepting more responsibility, you do well in your relationships and you do what you have to make sure your family is taken care of. That's number one.

    Two of my brothers from another mother have been displaying BDE for a long time now. One is about to move and be a District Manager. The other is a Programmer Supervisor and a Team Leader. The coolest thing about it is that they never lost their kindness. In fact they've become more generous. One of the hardest things for me to accept is generosity. I'm not used to that or getting help when I need it. It comes when it comes and I have to be thankful and not take it for granted.

    Getting back to the point of BDE, All I've ever wanted to do is to take care of my family. Like when I quit smoking, I looked at the things they did. One chose his field. The other didn't. They both went through some bullshit they didn't like and now look at them. Doing well and taking care of their families. Big Dick Energy...

    I don't believe I'm going to keep up with being a TCI instructor. I have to do it for now. But I want to make the Rec Therapist thing happen and maybe even become a Mental Health Therapist. I'm going to become an Modern Martial Arts instructor (not Mixed Martial arts). And even if these things don't come to pass, I am going to start displaying Big Dick Energy now too. My family, the future students that learn from me, the coworkers present and future; If they are going to learn from me, then I have to have Big Dick Energy.