Depression

    It is that time again. That time when depression comes out of nowhere and seems to affect every aspect of my being. The day starts out normal and then BAM! I bottom out. 

    That's the shit thing about depression: it can have a reason or it doesn't have one at all. Most of the time it doesn't have a reason. It's bad that I feel like I don't have someone to vent to and get things out of my head so I can feel a little better. 

    Music therapy (playing my guitar) helps some. Playing takes the edge off but I still feel down. I do get to jam today and I'm looking forward to that. Perhaps my buddy's brand of weird will be refreshing. Being in the gym helps but sadly I still smoke for the time being so I can't afford it. It cost just as much as my cigs do. 

    So on December 16th when I make my next attempt, when I get paid after that day I'm getting a gym membership so I can combat depression. Seems to be the only thing that works that doesn't just suppress it or make me numb to it. I hate medication. To me it doesn't seem to work. Smoking pot worked really well also but because of my work, I can't use that either. I really don't know if I'm right for this field but that's for a different blog. 

    I often wonder when I'll ever escape the grasp of depression. Will I ever be able to just stay up? Will there be a time in my life that I won't have to struggle for things? Will I ever do the things I want to do? Everyone tells you only time will tell. But will it really? But the real question is, what am I going to do about it? No reason to complain about something without a solution. Too late for that in this case however, it's not too late to look for a solution.

Switching it up.

    I've come to a crossroads in life recently. Do I stay where I am with no hope of moving up? Do I go to one of two places in the same field to try to advance my career? Or do I change fields altogether? What I do know is that I don't want to stay where I am forever. I'll keep my reasons to myself for my own protection.

    I do wonder a lot, how can you treat people like crap and expect them to give 100%? I've always been under the impression that if you take care of those below you in the workplace they will take care of you. How do you get a position, hear that you are being watched and expected to fuck up so they can make you step down months before it happens?

    Sounds to me like it was a sexist/racial thing with how things have played out. You don't want a person for a position then why hire them in the first fuckin place? It doesn't Make sense. Perhaps, if I go somewhere else I could get some supervisor experience and be given the tools I need with some coaching so I am able to grow in a supervisor/manager type role.

    Enough of that though. At the other place that I feel rather interested in, I can only go so far without a master's degree. I don't have any hope of getting a master's in either of the 2 degrees they require.  Reason 1, I am balls deep in debt. Reason 2, I have no urge to get a degree in behavioral science. Reason 3, I have no urge to get a degree in nursing.

    It seems that everywhere I turn there is a block that would stop me. Hell, I don't even know if I would like the job. The worst part about it all, I feel like I have no one to talk to about how I feel about this shit. No one to just listen. I have people all around me and no one to just listen. Hence me venting on a blog...

    I suppose I have to do as I've always done and think deeply on it to figure it out myself. It gets tiresome figuring out shit on my own all the time; always being looked at to make the decision. Except at work, I'm not really looked at at all unless a shift is in need of being covered. But no one gives a shit about that. Well, back to the jumbled mess that is my mind trying to make sense of it all. At least I'm not alone in having a jumbled mess of a mind?

The Battle for Change

    I feel like it's time to start a new chapter in my life. I have 3 vices. Use of my phone or overuse is more like it, drinking way too much soda, and smoking cigarettes. I want to change myself for the better but change is never easy. I'm always looking for the right time to quit smoking and drinking soda. I know, without a doubt, the right time is when you make it. Stopping the overuse of my cell would make the human element of my life better as well as my marriage though my marriage isn't in danger...yet.

    Smoking cigs was probably the dumbest thing I've ever started doing. Why would an asthmatic start doing something that makes it harder for them to breathe? I have no clue myself. However, if I want to start running I have to make myself quit. I've riddled my mind with questions like: how do I stop? What is the best way to stop? What should I do when I'm bored? What can I do when I'm stressed out instead of smoking? The best answer is just stop doing it and re-learn how to live without them. My friend and brother for 20+ years did. If he can do it, so can I. I have to be like him and put my mind to it.

    When thinking of quitting the consumption of soda I think, I really need to not drink it so much. It's bad for my teeth. There are other health risks of course like making your blood thicker and others but my problem is that the taste is so good. That and it's kind of addicting. However, if I just limit myself to just one a day I think it would make all the difference in my life. But it is so good. The good thing about quitting soda is that it is easier to put down than cigs. I think I'll start the "one a day" thing tomorrow.

    The overuse of my cell phone. This just needs to happen. I should be using it as a tool, not as a means of entertainment. Everything in my marriage is good and great as we speak but if I keep my nose buried in it all the time eventually it's going to cause problems between her and I. That won't be good at all. If I am to lose my wife it's going to be for a better reason then never putting my phone down. That would just be sad and pathetic. So starting tonight after I get off work, unless she wants me to play a game with her, my phone doesn't get touched. I refuse to lose her to spending the time on my phone when I should be spending with her.

    After this pack I am on I am going to lay the cigs down no matter how bad I want one I will not bum one or buy any. This is going to be harder than completing college and that was a bitch. Seems like nothing comes easy to me. But, I guess that is a part of my life. To overcome the hard and have a hard time understanding the easy. We shall see how this transformation goes...failure is no longer an option.

Skill...

  I wonder sometimes what skills I have and which ones I excel at more than the others. To me it seems that I have a lot that I am mediocre at. I would love to have just one thing that I am the man at doing.

Sad thing is I don't stick with something long enough to get that good at it. At one point guitar was like that, but I rarely pick it up anymore. Perhaps I should pick it back up and start practicing again. I get bored with sitting around doing nothing all the time. I'll have to find a new reason to get good at it.

Originally, my reason for practicing was so some of my friends and I could start a band. Life has taken us in different directions however. If I had a place to store a drum set and mic it I could learn the drums and make music myself. But making the drum beats on a computer will have to be done for now I guess.

If this sucks I apologize. I'm still trying to find my voice in the blogging medium. I guess if I keep up with it I may get better. Perhaps, I could try writing a story or something. Who knows...time will tell.