Unpluggin'...

    It's very strange... I finally decided to take most social media off of my phone. I took the Facebook, Pinterest, and Instagram apps off of there and decided that the best thing to do is to only visit these sites when I'm sitting at my desk. It has only been two days and it has been... an adjustment, to say the least.

     First thing I would do upon waking up was not going to the bathroom to relieve myself. It wasn't a strong urge to roll over and go back to sleep. It was to pick up my phone, check my Facebook and scroll through countless posts and watch an insane amount of videos or "reels" as they are called on there. Then, the Mrs. and I would be sitting in the living room. What do we do? We have our faces either in our phones or the TV.

    I used to complain about how phones and texting has taken the human element out of communication and it has, but why complain if I'm not gonna be the change I want to see? For a while I stopped complaining about it. and kept doing the "same ole, same ole". I found myself overwhelmed and bombarded by stimuli. everything at your fingertips all the time. All the info about anything and anyone, misinformation, and fake news, all at a couple of taps on your phone.

    I believed that so much coming at me was a major cause of stress, anxiety and depression. It seems I was comparing myself to others. What a shit way to spend your time right? But everyone is doing so much better than me. That is what pictures tell you, accompanied with people talking about how great things are. It could make one envious. Deep down I probably was but I felt that exploring that avenue would be negative and disruptive to my already disrupted mind. 

    Things aren't always what they seem. and even if they are, spending time being envious of someone's success is just a dick move. be happy they figured their life out in the present moment and walk your own pat. Comparison to others is an enemy. Don't let it in but, push it away along with social media. Limit the use of it so severely that you only see those screens once, at the most twice a day. It has been two days and I catch myself picking up my phone and fiddling with it but I refuse to put Facebook, Instagram, or Pinterest back on my phone. I'm even thinking about taking my email off of there and doing the same with it.

    Youtube can be a great tool but thanks to all the ads I don't use it much. I've started reading more but I need to lean away from the news. at least all the negative stuff. seems to be all you see anymore and that is depressing and causes anxiety. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you should be informed. That's a stupid idea. Just make sure you aren't getting caught up in bull shit and fake news.

    Unpluggin' from technology has always had a calming and de-escalating effect. I would see it and feel every time I would go to the woods. Not even music going.Wish I would have paid attention to these clues years ago, but as I like to say, better late than never. Unplug from the bullshit called social media and technology every now and again and really enjoy life. Your presence is appreciated more than you will ever know.

Mental Health

    The mental health of us humans is important. They say, "you are never alone," but saying that really never helps. It never really makes you feel like you're not alone. Being alone is something a lot of us can't handle well. Back in the day, when I was a teen, I embraced being alone excluding my mom, sister and my awesome circle of friends. No one could hurt you, make you feel less than what you already do, belittle you, and the biggest one of all, you don't feel even worse still because there aren't many folks around to tell you or act like they don't care about how you feel. Let's face it, we humans don't care how others feel and we get upset when no one cares about how we feel. It's a circle.

    That is an example of the thoughts that used to run through my head. I'm not going to lie; it still does from time to time. One gets in their own way by talking ill about themselves. From my experiences, and the time I have spent trying to figure myself out, negative self-talk is one of many ways that one gets in their own way. I've missed out on some opportunities because I put myself down so much. All that time, wasted because of other people's shitty and fucked up construed perceptions and judgments. All that time wasted because I let the opinions of others stop me.

    It blows my mind how far the importance of the mental health of a person has come, especially for men. I've had my troubles with depression and anxiety since the age of 13. I've had my own battles with drugs and alcohol. I've hung out with the wrong people to have a sense of belonging. I've also worked as a direct care worker in behavioral/mental health for 13 years. During all this time I have learned and watched the world change its view of mental health for all and for men. Used to, men had to bury everything deep down so they wouldn't be ridiculed for being soft, a crybaby, a bitch, told to be a man, etc etc.

    Now, it is rather accepted that men too need mental help sometimes. Example, the men that fought in World War I that had shell-shock. Those men were treated horribly because they were seen as weak. Never mind what blasts from constant shelling can do to the mind, body and soul to a person. There is still a way to go but I'm seeing more and more that people are accepting that men face challenges they can't handle by themselves.

     There is a problem that some men, such as me, still face: letting those trying to help in. Why do we not let others in? I can't answer for others but, for me, conversations don't help. I don't blame others for this because I don't let others in. I pretend to be okay, a lot, around everyone I know and see. I don't want them asking me, "what's wrong?" and I don't want to bring them down because that is more important than how I feel. Read that sentence again. I'll wait. Furthermore, there aren't very many people I trust to let in so deep. Like Jelly Roll said, "I guess rock bottom is where I'm comfortable".

    People's actions really give away how they are feeling. Example, when I'm feeling sad or in deep sorrow for whatever reason, I listen to the band Opeth. They are very nostalgic for me, and it helps me feel a little better. It causes me to face what has me in a state of sorrow. Or I'll listen to Buckethead if I don't want song lyrics to make me feel things. Songs like "Creature" by Jelly Roll I avoid Like he is the mother fucking plague. I relate to the lyrics way too much. So much so that it makes me cry. I can't even so much as hear it or even read the words.

    I leave with this: If you have a friend that is silent about how they feel most of the time, when they try to open up, encourage that person. Show them that it is okay to feel how they feel and that you will actively listen by not saying a word and acknowledging what is being said to you. Avoid giving unsolicited advice. It can make your friend feel worse. Sometimes the best thing you can do is listen and not get defensive about things.

Presently...

     Life is... peculiar. Life takes you places, shapes you, puts you in places you don't want to be, shapes you some more. "What is the purpose of this?" one may ask. "What is MY purpose?" one may ask. No one has the answer to these questions. These questions; you have to acquire the answer by living life. On the flip side, living life doesn't guarantee the answers.

    It has been nearly 3 years since I last wrote. I was destroyed in my BJJ competition. I learned so much about myself, my skill, what I did wrong and saw some of the best sportsmanship I've ever seen. I wasn't depressed or down that I didn't do well because I had so much fun. It was like a training session to me. I'm not big on being competitive in my older age I guess. I'm a blue belt now and I haven't trained much over the last year and a half.

    I am however still training in Taekwondo. I am a brown belt soon to be tested for red belt. I am also learning to be an instructor. It's crazy because I hate making mistakes but I enjoy making them in this setting. This is because I'm doing something I want to do. One is more apt to learn if they love what they are doing. Instead of apologizing for messing up. I do plan to return to BJJ because it puts me in my place ego wise, and really helps my depression, and I need that.

    Speaking of being an instructor, I am a Therapeutic Crisis Intervention instructor at work now. Yay... do you sense the excitement? It's just not something I want to do in this setting. I thought I did but it turns out I'm not a fan. I don't like a classroom like style of teaching and it's just not a way I want to become more involved in work. I am trying to earn a Recreational Therapist position if one becomes open though. 

    I had worked to become a second level Mental Health Tech at work. Part of that was doing Rec Therapy groups and notes and I enjoyed what I was doing. All this time I hated the idea of being any kind of therapist and now I want to become one because I found I enjoy talking to folks and helping with bettering themselves.

    This is the start of what I call "Big Dick Energy". BDE is when you make the moves you have to in order to become a better version of yourself in all aspects of your life. You look, sound, and move as a confident person. Even the ladies or boss babes can have Big Dick Energy. You make good money and seek to make more by accepting more responsibility, you do well in your relationships and you do what you have to make sure your family is taken care of. That's number one.

    Two of my brothers from another mother have been displaying BDE for a long time now. One is about to move and be a District Manager. The other is a Programmer Supervisor and a Team Leader. The coolest thing about it is that they never lost their kindness. In fact they've become more generous. One of the hardest things for me to accept is generosity. I'm not used to that or getting help when I need it. It comes when it comes and I have to be thankful and not take it for granted.

    Getting back to the point of BDE, All I've ever wanted to do is to take care of my family. Like when I quit smoking, I looked at the things they did. One chose his field. The other didn't. They both went through some bullshit they didn't like and now look at them. Doing well and taking care of their families. Big Dick Energy...

    I don't believe I'm going to keep up with being a TCI instructor. I have to do it for now. But I want to make the Rec Therapist thing happen and maybe even become a Mental Health Therapist. I'm going to become an Modern Martial Arts instructor (not Mixed Martial arts). And even if these things don't come to pass, I am going to start displaying Big Dick Energy now too. My family, the future students that learn from me, the coworkers present and future; If they are going to learn from me, then I have to have Big Dick Energy.