Depression

    It is that time again. That time when depression comes out of nowhere and seems to affect every aspect of my being. The day starts out normal and then BAM! I bottom out. 

    That's the shit thing about depression: it can have a reason or it doesn't have one at all. Most of the time it doesn't have a reason. It's bad that I feel like I don't have someone to vent to and get things out of my head so I can feel a little better. 

    Music therapy (playing my guitar) helps some. Playing takes the edge off but I still feel down. I do get to jam today and I'm looking forward to that. Perhaps my buddy's brand of weird will be refreshing. Being in the gym helps but sadly I still smoke for the time being so I can't afford it. It cost just as much as my cigs do. 

    So on December 16th when I make my next attempt, when I get paid after that day I'm getting a gym membership so I can combat depression. Seems to be the only thing that works that doesn't just suppress it or make me numb to it. I hate medication. To me it doesn't seem to work. Smoking pot worked really well also but because of my work, I can't use that either. I really don't know if I'm right for this field but that's for a different blog. 

    I often wonder when I'll ever escape the grasp of depression. Will I ever be able to just stay up? Will there be a time in my life that I won't have to struggle for things? Will I ever do the things I want to do? Everyone tells you only time will tell. But will it really? But the real question is, what am I going to do about it? No reason to complain about something without a solution. Too late for that in this case however, it's not too late to look for a solution.

Switching it up.

    I've come to a crossroads in life recently. Do I stay where I am with no hope of moving up? Do I go to one of two places in the same field to try to advance my career? Or do I change fields altogether? What I do know is that I don't want to stay where I am forever. I'll keep my reasons to myself for my own protection.

    I do wonder a lot, how can you treat people like crap and expect them to give 100%? I've always been under the impression that if you take care of those below you in the workplace they will take care of you. How do you get a position, hear that you are being watched and expected to fuck up so they can make you step down months before it happens?

    Sounds to me like it was a sexist/racial thing with how things have played out. You don't want a person for a position then why hire them in the first fuckin place? It doesn't Make sense. Perhaps, if I go somewhere else I could get some supervisor experience and be given the tools I need with some coaching so I am able to grow in a supervisor/manager type role.

    Enough of that though. At the other place that I feel rather interested in, I can only go so far without a master's degree. I don't have any hope of getting a master's in either of the 2 degrees they require.  Reason 1, I am balls deep in debt. Reason 2, I have no urge to get a degree in behavioral science. Reason 3, I have no urge to get a degree in nursing.

    It seems that everywhere I turn there is a block that would stop me. Hell, I don't even know if I would like the job. The worst part about it all, I feel like I have no one to talk to about how I feel about this shit. No one to just listen. I have people all around me and no one to just listen. Hence me venting on a blog...

    I suppose I have to do as I've always done and think deeply on it to figure it out myself. It gets tiresome figuring out shit on my own all the time; always being looked at to make the decision. Except at work, I'm not really looked at at all unless a shift is in need of being covered. But no one gives a shit about that. Well, back to the jumbled mess that is my mind trying to make sense of it all. At least I'm not alone in having a jumbled mess of a mind?